Our Connection

I have been thinking about connection lately, in particular, my connectivness with Matt, and with Griffin.  I read quite a bit of other mothers blog's and mothering magazines.  And a couple months ago I realized I wanted to pay close attention to my connection, my relationship, with Matt and with Griffin, and reflect on how it was and ways I could make it deeper and strengthen it.  

Today at speech and occupational therapy we tried to do things a little differently this time.   We let Griffin go in the therapist's arms, not carried by me, and to only interact with her during therapy, and have me stand back behind.  We tried this because we had noticed, well I had noticed, that I was doing most of the interaction with Griffin and he really wasn't wanting to participate with his therapists like he does with me at home.  So maybe this would take the mama crutch out of the equation. 

Well it just melted my heart, what he did....

They were sitting together at this touch screen computer, where Griffin would touch the item asked for, and about every couple minutes or so, he would turn around to meet my eyes, to make sure I was still there, I am tearing up remembering it.  

He did this the whole time, and after one time, his therapist said he let out a deep sigh, like "Oh good, she's still here".  

I felt connected to my little boy in those moments when he would find my eyes, and I would nod and smile, saying with my heart that he is doing good and all is OK, I felt deeply connected.  

And it assured me that although we have moments when the connection has flown out the window, like this morning when I was trying to change a huge poopy diaper at 7 in the AM and he has decided lately that he hates it if I hold his ankles together to lift up his booty to clean it off, and so he was screaming and I was getting frustrated, poop every where now, and me trying to come up with a way to make this work ;)  

Even though sometimes I forget what is really important and I get wrapped up in the Me-ness of mothering, we are still connecting, through out it all.  Momma and son growing along side each other, teaching each other the way.  

And just to share a little bit about where Griffin is at.  He has started clapping lately and it is so cute, he can sign book, and dog, and go.  Almost signs more, eat, all done, kitty, and pig.  

He still is eating baby food and not table food yet.  But the eating of baby food has really picked up.  He drinks from a straw in a sippy cup, but does not like to hold it himself, although when my back is turned he will drink it on his own sometimes.  

He does the soldier crawl like no other and gets all over everywhere.  He is one unhappy boy if we are at a place that I can't let him crawl around.  

He was pulling up to stand quiet a bit but he has been sick these past couple of weeks, and hasn't been wanting to.  

Before this recent bug, he was walking a little in PT while holding onto the  grocery cart.  

We started him on these specific vitamin supplements for kids with Down syndrome and I am excited about it. Here is the website.  Nutrivene D, is what they are called, and they are kind of controversial in the Down syndrome parenting world, some people support them and others don't.  I will let you know what we think after a little while on them.  

We are going to try Hippotherapy, which is horse back riding therapy!  I am super excited for that as well.  

I used to put all of these hopes on Griffin, like a time table of hopes.  And I don't think hopes are bad but sometimes hopes can rob you of being present in the moment, especially when your hopes cause you anxiety.  I was realizing the other night how I often think like this, 

"Once Griffin has heart surgery, then this, this and this will happen, and then we can relax and then it will be easier"  or this one, "I really want Griffin to be walking and eating on his own by three because then things will be easier"

Woa, Woa, Woa!  First I have no control really over when these things will happen, and second, is life really going to be easier then, no, and third, what's wrong with right now,.... nothing. 

Everything is really really good and Ok and exactly how it should be, and I only have to be here to experience it and to serve and to love and to be loved.  

Sometimes I think that having a special child or a high needs child, makes me work harder to find that connection, to know what he wants, to communicate me to him, to know what to give him, what he needs, to be available more to him.   And I love that....I feel honored and blessed that I get to live a life that stretches me, and humbles me.  

I think that he needs me more than other children, and I probably need him more too. 

Oh how I love him so....