is something I hesitate to do, and I don't even know fully why the hesitation. I think it is good for the soul to share and let it all out. I am going to try and peel back the layers, my layers, that I often keep on to cover up some of my struggles and who I really am....
I think the hesitation comes from me "wanting to have it all together", and not wanting to show that there is a lot of stuff I don't actually have together. This past week was a mama melt down week and it actually started about two weeks ago, when I started believing deep down that everything wasn't OK, and God wasn't really in control of it all.
With me, if I start to let that belief go, the anxiety that sets in is massive.
About the time I started to believe that maybe God wasn't in control of everything I read a story of a little 2 year old girl dyeing of Cancer.
We just checked Griffin for cancer, a screening, that happens once a year, or more if we suspect anything. About 1 % of the Down's syndrome population gets Leukemia. That is 15 to 20 times higher than in the general population. So combining reading this little girl's story and seeing how absolutely horrible that is, and knowing that Griffin is more at risk for cancer, and my soul making a shift toward belief in universal chaos, sent me on a downward spiral of hopelessness, fear, worry, anxiety, depression, and other blah's.
Griffin did end up getting sick, very sick this past week. So sick that we were at the Pedi's office Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Doing blood work, checking his oxygen levels, going in to the hospital for x-rays. The week was so up and down going along with his sickness. He would get better and then worse and then better and then worse...AHHH! It might be kind of comical if I could see all of my emotional swings play back for me....I went from feeling like I could not handle this, and actually telling Matt "I was leaving, running away from it all", to telling myself and God, that I was sorry for handling the situation so horribly and that I wanted another chance, "bring it" I would say to myself, "I will do better next time", to "oh no!, did I say "bring it" you must of misunderstood me, I didn't mean this soon!"
I know that if I can hang on to the beliefs that
1.) everything is OK
2.) that there is always something good to be found
3.) that life is hard and that is OK
And the big hum dinger....
4.) everything is not going to go my way! I am not the one in control!
That is the big one. You would think that I was an 8 year old child with the fits I can throw (most of them internally, thankfully), nope! I am a 24 year old adult...just an ill-equipped one sometimes.
If I could let go of how I want my life to look and what I want to get done, and how I want things to turn out, then I would be much happier. I could maybe fall in love with life, rather than despising it, because it doesn't go my way most of the time.
If I could be more malleable, more able to be stretched, and adjusted and adjusting to what is. Rather than resisting all of this...sigh.
The moment Griffin was born and we found out he had Down syndrome, I did not have a hesitance to it or him. I embraced him instantly, I thought there was nothing wrong with him or with Down syndrome. That extra chromosome was most definitely how he was created to be, and I believed that he was perfectly created. I knew that Down's kids were different and I didn't ever see anything wrong with being different, it never mattered to me that he would look different, or maybe talk different, or learn differently, or develop differently, or not have as high of an IQ as others, I really never cared about those things.
So my resistance to accepting him and Down syndrome didn't surface until much later and by surprise.
What I didn't realize at birth was that life would be harder, and like I said earlier, I loathe the difficult. I am a weeny, a wimp, a coward. Oh how I yearn to be brave and strong.
I didn't realize that there would be so much more to worry about.
I didn't realize that all of the extra stuff you have to do, therapies, all sorts of different doctors appointments, ECI appointments, paperwork to keep up with, government programs to enroll in, support groups to attend, and endless and endless amounts of other things that "normal" children don't usually come with would conflict so greatly with what selfishly "I", the great big ME, wants to do on a daily basis.
Though sometimes I think I would have that exact same struggle, Down syndrome or not. Kids often get in the way of what parents want to do right?
I hate that sentence...I hate that as adults so many of us( well at least me) look at our children like that. When really they are the way, in a sense, with out them, we wouldn't even be trying to get the things done that we think they are getting in the way of.
I think that parenting is difficult, Down syndrome or not, but if I could surrender to those difficulties and not fight them, with what I think should be happening, I would start to see that despite it being hard it is so beautiful and wonderful and maybe even fun.
I yearn to embrace Griffin always as a precious gift, because he is. And I wouldn't be a momma with out him. I love him. And I just want to be better to him in the hard times.
I am embarrassed if my struggles seem juvenile or horrible, but honestly it is where I am family and friends.
And I have been praying something like this prayer that my my dear friend wrote on her blog today, but I just love the way she wrote it
"Make me new. Make my weary, impatient, selfish heart new."
Thanks Jenny, I will be whispering that to myself now.
And some links that have lifted me up and inspired me lately...
Thanks for reading :)
4 comments:
I cried reading you post, mainly because I just listened to my mom talk about Maddie and immediatly got off the phone crying because I want Maddie to have a perfect life. I want Griffin to have that. But they make us better people and they will have a perfect life, we just really do have to rely on God. I love and miss you and Griffin.
Oh sweet Mel. You are an extraordinary mommy, a wonderful wife, and a cherished friend. You have such beautiful thoughts as you explore your faith and this life. I have always known you to be the most authentic person. And that is the highest praise in my book. I read a definition of authenticity once and it has stuck with me:
AUTHENTICITY is a daily practice. Living authentically means cultivating the COURAGE to be emotionally honest, to set boundaries, and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable; exercising the COMPASSION that comes from knowing that we are all made of light and darkness, strength and struggle; and nurturing the CONNECTION and sense of belonging that can only happen when we let go of we are supposed to be and embrace who we are. Authenticity demands WHOLEHEARTED living and loving – even when it’s hard, even when it hurts, and especially when we are wrestling with the shame and fear of “not being enough.” Mindfully practicing authenticity during our most soul-searching struggles is how we invite grace, joy, and gratitude into our lives.
I believe this letting go invites God to come into our lives and love through us. None of us has inside us the ability to love purely and give joyously day after day without God’s enabling. But in Him we do! Romans 8:37 Say in Him we can conquer that shame and fear of “not being enough.” He gives our hearts new songs to sing! I am so thankful for the one he has given you Melanie. I love you.
Oh, Mel. I wish I could tell you that with age comes wisdom. Not always. I look back at my life when I was your age and am in AWE at all that you do and how you are composed. Temper tantrums do not go away - internally or externally...or at least they haven't for me. I have huge fears and anxiety about being a momma. I wonder what this little girl is going to be like and how she will change our lives. I worry that we will struggle. Then I remember...we WILL struggle, she WILL change our lives. I will ALWAYS have fears about being a momma. And in that I find a little bit of peace. Just knowing...
You are a such a great role model for us all - kids or not. Love you guys! Miss you a lot!
Sending you (and Matt and Griff!) a hug of love, of understanding, and of thankfulness that you are family. Love, GranJan
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