Hiding behind pretty blog posts and running the race of comparison to keep up!

I can hide behind images of awesomeness, but it eats away at my soul. I fall apart people. I do. Why must there be good and bad in us? Doesn't the bad terrify you? It does me.

I have realized that I approach God with arrogance. And I am praying to be made humble. Sometimes I am blown away with how selfish I am.

Here it is....

My motivation a lot of the times, daily, it seems likes, is to measure up to others, to gain approval, to out do others, or to match them, to shine to be noticed. All of this is so my self esteem is protected, so my insecurities will go away, so I will be made secure.

I just don't think it will ever happen if I go about it that way. I am hoping for radical acceptance of who I am as an individual, to cultivate my own creative self. Not to imitate others. How do I do this?

Also I get swept away into what other people are doing. It is all so wonderful and overwhelming and I think I should be doing it all too, so then I will be able to toot my own horn. And guess who is left out of all of this....a little boy, who is a beautiful precious being. I am blessed to have him here with me, and I don't always live out the blessing. I run the race to keep up with other mama's ( because it is inspiring work) but I leave behind what really matters. I have to let go of others doings. And I suppose I will for a little while and then slowly I will slip into old habits. I hope each time I am learning and growing.

I have a child with special needs. My life will be different in some ways than a lot of other mamas out there. You know what is weird, it is that difference in mothering that makes me feel so distant from other mamas. It isn't usually the difference among their children yet, but the difference in what I have to be doing to be a good mama to him.

I can tell you that I need some friends. I don't know where they went to? I had a lot before Griffin was born, but now it seems, I don't have many, because no one I know is going through anything like this.

To the support groups I am heading.

I love Griffin, I do, I do. I am so imperfect to him, and that crushes me. All I can do is wake up and try, try, try. Hoping that God makes use of my mistakes and makes me new.

It takes a lot of giving yourself away to give Griffin everything he needs. I am selfish and I don't do all that I can. But this is a confession and a start. To give him more, he deserves it.

Disclaimer : I can't believe I just posted this! Yikes!

Oh! And.....

Griffin's dermatologist appointment went well! Yay!

I have not been exercising near the amount that I was, and I have been eating quite a bit of chocolate! Oh no!

And a cute story:

Griffin usually drinks a thicker liquid because it is easier for him to control in his mouth. If he drinks a thinner liquid he will choke it up. This past week we were doing an intestinal permeable test. He couldn't drink for 10 hours and then he had to drink this special mix of water and sugar and we had to collect his urine for 6 hours. Oh my it was too funny watching him drink this liquid, because he was sooo thirsty that he just powered through it. Usually if a liquid is too thin he coughs and throws his cup to the side, but this morning he drank, coughed and coughed, drank some more, coughed and coughed, drank some more all the while still coughing, drank all of this liquid, still coughing. It was the sweetest thing.

I love you people for reading and embracing me.